Here and There

Wince
But ease into an all surrounding hold
Distance
The dry skin at the edge of your eyes
Insistence
Peace lives with the patient not the bold
Incompetence
Catch the sparrows in their lies
Missing assurance
No tales are left untold
The heights of opulence
Or glue traps for flies
Enslaved by my penitence
Indulgence sold
Enamored with false eloquence
Ugly Cry
Mundane lives marked by indifference
Unfold
Fleeing from a land with true consequence
Nigh

The word burns the space over my heart like a cigarette being put out on my skin. It reaches deep inside my soul to dredge up the strongest of opposites. It reverberates through my mind. Hope.

When God spoke a word of hope into my life several days ago, it filled me with such joy. At first. It was wonderful to remember that God said there was hope for me and that he would use me to speak hope into the lives of others.

But as a few days went past, I spiraled emotionally. I became more and more disillusioned and depressed. I became angry. Angrier than I had been in a while. I’m one of the most emotional people I have ever known. So when I say anger, I mean what most people call rage. When I say depression or sadness, I mean heart wrenching grief. Now I have a fair amount of control, being used to it, but it makes it no less painful.

I struggled for a little why wondering why I felt so strongly, when I had received such a good word from the LORD. Then as I yelled through the night and my shouts turned to him without warning, I finally understood. I was yelling because I did and did not understand. I did and did not believe him.

I did not understand how there could be hope for me in certain areas of my life. I had gotten used to certain pains, and honestly I was expected them at this point. But God telling me “look there’s hope” felt like a friend saying, “don’t worry it’ll be fine” at my agony, it isn’t really helpful even when you know it’s true.

But I was also angry because I understood. I understood that hope to me, might not be hope to God. I wasn’t worried about money, or housing, stable job prospects or getting to heaven. I trusted him with all of that. I was worried about becoming a man, being artistically successful, and helpful, and getting married (of course with someone specific on my mind). But God’s version of hope for me might look different. It might have me single, hardworking, inartistic, and emotionally more stagnant. Even worse, If that is God’s hope for me, not only is it better than my version, but I should and will eventually be OK with it.

But that’s exactly what hope is isn’t it? You don’t hope for what you understand and know, you believe for that. You hope, for what you do not know and do not understand. For what has not been revealed.

After reordering some of my priorities and setting my focus back on Christ, I believe my life is going to start going upward again. I have hope. I don’t have strict belief in all areas. I don’t understand how evil will be used for good. I can’t see how disappointments will be used for blessing.

But I have hope, so I don’t have to.

Remember God’s hope in your life, even, and especially when it doesn’t make sense

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