Toll
Interweaving
never leaving
Pieces haste to fit
Revelation
in sensation
brand new place to sit
pedal back
slow retract
the ogre takes his bread
annihilation
swift placation
something ends up dead
Who I am
Who I was
Who I'm meant to be
drowning voices
moments choices
I walk toward one of three

Life Change is a choice. A slow, deliberate, choice. Uncomfortable, confusing, and full of surprises. It’s like the joke common to movies these days wherein a character oscillates between two buttons, hovering for a while over the wrong one before switching at the last moment. If you read last week’s post you’ll remember I said everything changed without me doing anything. At this point I’m sure you are thoroughly confused. Let me explain.

Everything did change. I am not the same person, and I cannot tell you where the change occurred or even completely why. But several weeks into this change I’ve had a clarifying experience. A couple discussions with different friends pained my emotions significantly. Then I got sick. So, emotionally and physically hurting I had the chance to see how strong my new found life really was. A lot of it broke down. I went back to old unhealthy habits, my mood and attitude flickered between okay and unhealthy. My mental battles raged violently.

But then through the fire of my pain and the smoke of my mistakes I saw a beautiful distinction.

Who I was was still the same.

My bad choices were no longer coming out of who I was currently, but were deviations from the new found life of hope. Instead of an unhealthy lifestyle struggling toward better existence as the best I could muster, it was now the lowest I would tend to fall. When I got back up, I went back to my hope.

All of this to say, God changes our lives. We can’t choose to change. We choose to accept and embrace his definition of us. We are called to be who we are (in the eternal sense), and it’s up to him to continually give us a better definition when we can understand it.

With Cacoethes Scribendi,

The Indefinable Emotion

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