Journey From the Moon
Chorus on my journey from the moon I walked a black road, as a wolf, hoping to become a boy soon On my journey from the moon I learned to hold a broken heart, and for the hurting made some room On my journey from the moon V.1 I slipped on down from the twilight sky, I touched upon the red hill's crest tumbling down to the narrow road I walked into the fields of death There were gallows all around me and a grave yard straight ahead I scratch my fur and walk on solemnly As the townsfolk blame the dead V.2 Caught up in a fight I didn't start Half transformed but still no heart The crowd wants gore and screams in hatred Then my opponent rips off my arm The blood pours down to a lower plot and springs a garden from the threatening hedges Now the crowd is going to burn me alive To atone for suspected damages V.3 End up at an ancient ramshackle church Finally a boy I walk inside The window's are shattered and roof has burst Everything hurts now as I climb I ascend to the steeple and contemplate If I should jump and fly away I question God "can my time be done?" He answers "soon enough my son".
"I choose to be alive, especially since the odds say I should die" - "Impossible" by lacey Sturm
These last few weeks have been hell for me. Pretty basically, all the issues and problems that I have with where I am in life, what’s happened in my past, and what I hate about myself all rushed at me at the same time. First I came to realize that yet another girl who I really like and who has been mistakenly flirting with me actually only sees me as a really close friend and has no feelings for me whatsoever. This is not the first time this has happened, but it was painful to have it happen once again. To get smacked in the face with the bitter reality of never having dated (not for a lack of trying) and a deep sense of feeling unwanted.
Then I talked to a friend about my past and it revealed how some things I didn’t know affected me really scarred me. I pretty much had a breakdown. Then a few days later I was alone for almost a whole week with nothing to do but sit in my room and think. I drowned my sorrows in entertainment and forgetfulness, but in the end they were always at the back of my mind and heart ripping me apart.
So here I am, in a valley full of shadows, with no idea who I am, a broken past, a painful present, horrible perspective, and no idea what to do. My friend and I are also nagged by the thought that things are going to get worse for me before getting better too, so I’m basically waiting to get traumatized by something.
All I can ask is where is God?
Is he REALLY using this shallow non growing time to change me? Or am I just a royal screw up who is so delusional that he cant get past his own stupidity to see that he is doing everything wrong? Is this pain I feel justified? Or am I the victim of a sickening cycle of pity and victimization, needing to hate, and hating to need?
And what do I do?
I know that I am not spiritually healthy enough to make decisions of my own accord or to make big life decisions without God’s go ahead. He’s telling me to wait. So I wait. But I don’t want to sit in this filthy pool of spiritual ammonia stagnating either.
What must I do to be healed?
These are the things that plague my life and believers in purposefully spiritually dry times. We are so near sighted that we can’t see how all these painful things are actually good for us. But no hero becomes who they need to be from a really nice life. They go through HELL first. Then when they need to be. they’re ready. I mean, it wouldn’t be faith we had if we had no hardship to believe through. But still, with no direction but wait, how do we be spiritually growing and healing even in these hard times?
Well I certainly don’t have the full answer because I’m still here, but i’ll say this: God is here. God is watching you, forming you, loving you. He hasn’t left, he hasn’t forgotten, he still cares. Now potentially your stagnation has to do with sin issues in your life, but maybe it’s just God’s plan for you, and you may need to rejoice in that. This is so hard, but so pivotal. You may say ” How can I be glad for this awful life I am leading? I hate life, hate myself, hate everything. I’m a terrible person, and nothing goes right, why would I be glad?”. The reason is this: the truth of your situation is not present, but eternal. Since we know we serve a good God, than if you are following after him as best you can, we KNOW he is using this time in LOVE for you, to make you who you need to be and free you. So being glad for God’s will is rejoicing in truth and will set your perspective and help you to seek God while you are here.
Lastly, Hold on. These thing are not the end, and when you have been tested and refined, you at the very least will be healed and changed at the other side.
This may be the valley of shadows, but it isn’t the valley of death.